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In class one day, Mr. Johnson pulled Johnny over to his desk after a test, and said, “Johnny I have a feeling that you have been cheating on your tests.”
Johnny was astounded and asked Mr. Johnson to prove it. “Well," said Mr. Johnson, "I was looking over your test and the question was, ‘Who was our first president?’, and the little girl that sits next to you, Mary, put ‘George Washington,’ and so did you.”
“So, everyone knows that he was the first president.”
“Well, just wait a minute,” said Mr. Johnson. “The next question was, ‘Who freed the slaves?’ Mary put Abraham Lincoln and so did you.”
“Well, I read the history book last night and I remembered that,” said Johnny.
“Wait, wait,” said Mr. Johnson. The next question was, ‘Who was president during the Louisiana Purchase?’ Mary put ‘I don't know,’ and you put, ‘Me neither’.”
There once was a bear and a rabbit that hated each other. One day, they found a genie in a lamp who said he would grant them each three wishes.The bear went first and he said,"I wish to be the only male bear in this forrest." And he got his wish.
The rabbit said, "I want a motercycle helmet." And he got his wish.
The bear went up and said, "I wish to be the only male bear in the United States, and all the rest to be female." And he got his wish.
The rabbit said, "I wish I had a motorcycle to go with that helmet." And he got his wish.
The bear said, "I wish I was the only male bear in the world, and all the rest were females." And he got his wish.
It was the rabbit's turn, and he said, "I wish that bear was gay."
Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning by almost two hours. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work.
"Boss," he said, "The pill actually worked!"
"That's all fine" said the boss, "But where were you yesterday?"
An English guy was very ill and his son went to visit him in the hospital. Suddenly, the father began to breathe heavily and grabbed the pen and pad by the bed. With his last ounce of strength he wrote a note, dropped it, and died.
The son was so overcome with grief that he didn't remember slipping the note into his pocket. At the funeral, he reached into the pocket of his coat and immediately felt the note. He excitedly read it thinking it might be something he could recite during the service. It said:
YOU WANKER -- GET OFF MY OXYGEN PIPE!!!
After dying in a car crash, three friends find themselves at an orientation to enter heaven. Each one was asked, "When you are in your casket, what would you like to hear your friends and family saying about you?"
First one says, "I would like to hear them say I was a great doctor and a great family man."
Second says, "I would like to hear them say I was a wonderful husband and an excellent teacher who made a difference in children's lives."
Third says, "I would like to hear them say, 'Look! He's moving!'"
A Japanese man was boasting about how his country had such advanced medical technology. He said, "We take the lungs out of a man, perform an operation, put the lungs back in, and in 4 weeks, the man is looking for work."
An Englishman said, "We are far more advanced than you. We can take the heart out of a man, perform surgery and have him ready for work in just 3 weeks."
The Irishman says, "That's nothing; we can take a kidney out of a man, put into another man's body and have them looking for work in 2 weeks."
The American says, "Well hell, that's nothin'. We had an idiot taken out of Texas, put in the Whitehouse and now half the country is lookin' for work!"
A woman and a baby were in the doctor’s examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in.
The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight and found it somewhat below normal. The doctor asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed.
“Breast fed,” the woman replied.
“Well, strip down to your waist,” the doctor asked. She did. He pressed, kneaded, rolled, cupped, and pinched both breasts in a detailed, rigorously thorough examination.
Motioning for her to get dressed he said, “No wonder this baby is under weight! You don’t have any milk.”
“I know,” she said, “I’m his grandmother, but I’m glad I came.”
Jack and Betty are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary.
"Betty, I was wondering -- have you ever cheated on me?"
"Oh Jack, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question..."
"Yes, Betty, I really want to know. Please."
"Well, all right. Yes, 3 times."
"Three? When were they?"
"Well, Jack, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember how one day the bank president himself came over to the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?"
"Oh, Betty, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, that you would do such a thing for me! So, when was number 2?"
"Well, Jack, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?"
"I can't believe it! Betty, I love that you should do such a thing for me, to save my life! I couldn't have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me darling. I couldn't be more moved. When was number 3?"
"Well, Jack, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short?"
A little boy comes running into the room and says, "Grandpa! Grandpa! Can you make a sound like a frog?"
The Grandpa says, "I don't know, why?"
The little boy says, "Because Grandma says as soon as you croak, we can go to Disneyland!"
Three men die and go up to the Pearly Gates, where they meet St. Peter. He looks at them and says "I'm sorry, but God made a ruling this morning that only those who die in truly strange circumstances may enter Heaven. Before I allow you in, you must tell me how you died so that I can judge whether the circumstances you died in were strange."
The first guy says, "Okay, get this. I was suspecting that my wife was cheating on me so I came home early. She was denyin' it but I could see in her eyes that she was lyin', because she was lookin' at the fridge very nervously. I asked if her boyfriend was hidin' in there and she said no! Well that about just did it for me, I was so mad at her lyin' to me that I picked up the fridge and threw it over the balcony! But as it went sailing past, I got a heart attack and died." St. Peter says, "Okay, go on in."
The second guy says, "Oh, that's nothing. See, I was doing calisthenics on my balcony, like I do every morning. I was standing on my head, when suddenly a fridge falls on me!" St. Peter nods and says "That's definitely strange. Go on in."
The third guy says, "Well, it's like this. I'm hiding in a refrigerator..."
If you know of a good joke that should be added here, please let me know. I will not accept racist, sexist, or ageist jokes unless very mild and do not put down any specific group very harshly. Some religious jokes I may accept. Keep them tasteful, please!
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