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A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the zoo. Knowing that he could hop high, the zoo officials put up a ten- foot fence. He was out the next morning, just roaming around the zoo. A twenty-foot fence was put up. Again he got out.
When the fence was forty feet high, a camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo, "How high do you think they'll go?"
The kangaroo said, "About a thousand feet, unless somebody locks the gate at night!"
Someone calling an ISP.
Customer: "Hi... Is this the Internet?"
A boy must find four spelling words for school the next day. He can't think of any, so he decides to ask his family members. First, he asks his brother who is studying hard for a math test.
"Will you help me find a spelling word?" the boy asks.
"Shut up!" shouts the brother. Apparently, he's studying hard! The boy writes down "shut up" as his first spelling word.
Next, the boy goes to his other brother, who is playing a video game. He seems to be winning.
"Will you help me find a spelling word?" the boy asks.
This brother doesn't seem to be paying any attention to the boy, as he shouts, "YES! YES!" for doing well in his game. The boy writes down "YES! YES!" as his second spelling word.
Next, the boy goes to his mother. She is talking on the phone and is not in a conversation that should be interrupted.
"Will you help me find a spelling word?" the boy asks.
"No!" snaps the mother. Then she continues her conversation. The boy writes down "No!" as his third spelling word.
Finally, the boy goes to his father for help. Now, the father is a bit strange, particularly when he thinks he's alone. At the time, he is using a plunger on the toilet. He is chanting, "In the toilet! In the toilet!" The boy writes this down without even asking.
The next day, the teacher asks the boy to read off his spelling words.
"Shut up!" shouts the boy.
"What!" cries the teacher. "How could you? Do you want to go see the principal?"
"YES! YES!" the boy shouts.
Now the boy sits in the principal's office. The principal says, "I'm sure you're a good boy, right? Just talk to me and we'll work this out."
The boy shouts, "No!"
The principal gasps. "You're just impossible! A strange, demented little boy! Just where do you and your family come from?"
The boy chants. "In the toilet! In the toilet!"
Tech Support: "OK Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager." BUMPER STICKERS
Customer: "I don't have a 'P'."
Tech Support: "On your keyboard, Bob."
Customer: "What do you mean?"
Tech Support: "'P' on your keyboard, Bob."
Customer: "I'm not going to do that!"
I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.
I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?
I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.
Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
Accept that some days you're the pigeon and some days you're the statue.
Needing a man is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.
I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where the hell is the ceiling?!"
My Reality Check bounced.
On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.
You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
St Peter becomes aware of a man standing outside the Gates of Heaven, pacing up and down.
"Excuse me, can I help you?" he asks.
"No, it's alright. Won't be long." And he distractedly looks at his watch, shrugs and paces on.
St Peter gives it another 5 minutes and asks again.
The man stops and says, "Look, you know I'm dead. I know I'm dead. Will someone please tell the cardiac arrest team?"
Three guys are sharing a 75th floor hotel room. When they return to their room one night, they are horrified to discover the elevators are broken, and they must climb 75 floors on the stairway! So, to avoid thinking about this grueling task, they decided one guy will tell jokes until they reach the 25th floor; then another will sing until the 50th; and then the third will tell sad stories until they reach their room.
So they begin climbing the stairs, and the first guy tells jokes. When they reach the 26th floor, the second guy starts singing. When they reach the 51st floor, the third guy starts telling sad stories.
Finally the three guys reached their room. The third guy is still telling sad stories.
"Here's the saddest story of all!" he says in a worried tone.
"What?" asked the other two guys.
"I left our room key in the car."
Three guys share an apartment: a dental student, a medical student, and a veterinary student.
They all get home at about the same time one day.
The dental student has a bewildered, unimpressed look on his face. "Today, we worked on cadavers." he tells his room-mates.
The medical student has an amazed, yet somewhat frightened look. "Today, we worked on cadavers." he adds loudly.
The veterinary student has a very sad look. "Today, we worked on cadavers." he whispers quietly.
A guy from a Mid Atlantic state is driving in a small Southern town. He drives by a church and sees a very well-built Nativity Scene. However, the Three Wise Men have firemen's helmets on. The guy wondered why.
On his way out of town, the guy stopped by a diner and asked the waitress about the helmets. She becomes furious at this question.
"Don't you Yankees ever read the Bible?" she yelled.
"I have read the Bible, but I've seen nothing about firemen's helmets," the guy replies.
Still angry, the waitress goes and gets a Bible and brings it to the guy. She opens up to a page.
"You see that?" she said, pointing to a passage. "Three Wise Men came from afar'!"
Unfortunately, I don't have that many jokes yet. If you know of a good joke that should be added here, please let me know. I will not accept racist, sexist, or ageist jokes unless very mild and do not put down any specific group very harshly. Some religious jokes I may accept. Keep them tasteful, please!
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