I have these in a separate section because they are a bit racy. If you have a problem with sexual content or certain four-letter words, turn back or proceed with caution. I'm just going to assume that whoever reads this page has enough sense to know these are JUST JOKES!!!
One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.
"Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks."
Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:
"Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."
There was this guy that went to the doctor to get is sperm counted.The lady behind the desk handed him a jar and said, "Bring it back tomorrow, full." He says, "Okay, I'll be back tomorrow then."
Well he goes home and comes back the next day, and he hands the woman the jar. She says, "Nothing's in it." The man responds, "Well, I went home and I tried with my right hand and I tried with my left hand and nothing happend. I called my wife into the room, and she tried with her right hand and she tried with her left hand. Nothing still happend. Well, we called our neighbor and she came over, and she tried with her right hand ans she tried with her left hand, and still nothing happened.
And the woman behind the counter looked srtunned and asked, "You asked your neighbor over to help you!?" And he says, "Yeah, we couldn't get the jar open."
Sister Mary Katherine lived in a convent, a block away from Jack's liquor store. One day, in walked Sister Mary Katherine and she said, "Oh Jack, give me a pint o' the brandy."
"Sister Mary Katherine," exclaimed Jack, "I could never do that! I've never sold alcohol to a nun in my life!"
"Oh Jack," she responded, "it's only for the Mother Superior." Her voice dropped. "It helps her constipation, you know."
So, Jack sold her the brandy. Later that night Jack closed the store and walked home. As he passed the convent, who should he see but Sister Mary Katherine; and she was snookered. She was singing and dancing, whirling around and flapping her arms like a bird, right there on the sidewalk. A crowd was gathering, so Jack pushed through and exclaimed, "Sister Mary Katherine! For shame! You told me this was for the Mother Superior's constipation!"
Sister Mary Katherine didn't miss a beat as she replied: "And so it is, me lad, so it is. When she sees me, she's going to shit!"
A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"
"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."
"Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.
Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young,beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.
He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest." "Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle." In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."
A guy wakes up in a drunken stupor, opening his eyes he sees Claudia Schiffer on the bed next to him. He thinks this is a little odd, as he doesn't remember a thing, let alone going to bed with her. He decides to get up and get himself a drink from the fridge. He gets to the fridge and opens the door and is faced with a large suitcase. He takes the suitcase out of the fridge, puts it on the table and opens it to find $1 Million. This is just a little too much for the guy who thinks he is losing his mind. He wonders if he is hallucinating, so he goes to the window and draws back the blind. Outside on his front lawn is the Klu Klux Klan and dangling from the tree is an open noose, empty. They appear to be beckoning him and shouting.
Now the guy is really freaked out, he quickly draws the blind and turns around.
In the corner of his kitchen is a leprechaun, obviously drunk as well.
He asks the leprechaun what is going on.
"Well," says the leprechaun, "I was drunk last night as well, and as I was crossing the road, I was nearly run down. You ran across the road and pushed me to safety, so I granted you three wishes in return for saving me."
"Well, I can guess the first one" says the guy, "Supermodel, bed, yeah I got that one. What about the other two?"
"The money in the fridge?" says the leprechaun, "You asked for a cool million."
"And them out there?" asks the guy.
"You said you wanted to be hung like a black man."
Send me more if you know of any! I'd really appreciate it!
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